Have you ever had a word just repeat itself to you in every situation every single day for weeks at a time? I'm currently living that with the word trust. My personal study has led me to Psalms 16:1 which says, "...for in thee do I put my trust." It doesn't say "in Thee (G0d) and myself..." I sinfully would like it that way a lot more. Our women's Bible study at church just went through 2 weeks of the topic "trusting God." It seems that every song that pops in my head has something to do with trusting Jesus. I have yet to figure out why He keeps bringing this word to my heart, but I have been meditating on it for the last few weeks. I can't get it out of my head.
Sometimes trusting someone is scary. What if they disappoint us? What if they don't do things the best way (aka our way)? What if they don't know our weaknesses and push us into failure? While I know these fears are ridiculous when my life is in the hands of my Heavenly Father, can I be honest and say that I still have a hard time trusting Him? I'm the first born; I'm a go-getter; I like to be in control; but God asks me to forsake all of that and just follow him with reckless abandon. I don't know about you, but I am not attracted to anything with the word reckless! I'm a let's-think-about-this-and-make-a-safe-and-secure-decision-before-progressing kinda girl. But I want to be reckless, out of control, in love with Jesus. I have to fight my instincts and fear and learn to trust Him. How foolish to think I am smarter than the Creator of the world! But don't we all do this all the time? Ugh! Why!?!?! How can we be so thick!
In addition to fearing what might happen if I trust God to lead, I also fear the journey getting there. I don't want struggle; I don't want pain; but I do want Jesus. I love to read, and I can't tell you how many wonderful testimonies of God's faithfulness I have read from Godly women who went through deep struggles--marriage issues, loss of a loved one, infertility, serious illness--yet they came out on the other side, inexplicably closer to their Saviour. So I'm scared to trust God. I'm scared that trusting Him and throwing myself into His leading will be a bumpy ride that might have some dark dark moments; but I'm learning and believing that He will provide what I need often before I even know I have the need. I don't want to live life scared in the corner, missing out on God's plans for me; I want to hand my life and heart to him and trust that He truly knows what's best.
I don't have all the answers. I'm writing this to 1. verbalize my own fear for accountability and 2. to hopefully encourage you if you struggle with trusting God too. I'm always uplifted when a sister in Christ comes alongside me and admits that she too is struggling, or did struggle, with my current battle. Authenticity and honesty is what makes up community among believers.
I'm learning that trusting God isn't a one-time decision or action. It's a daily dying to self and allowing Him to take the driver's seat. It's realizing at noon that you've been driving all morning, and you need to scoot your booty over to the passenger seat and let Him drive the rest of the day. We aren't perfect, won't be until we get to Heaven, so let's not get discouraged when we grab back control. Don't give up! Just calmly--or not so calmly haha!--hand Him back the reigns and buckle up for a wild adventure!